The drama triangle is a dynamic we can get stuck in, where we assume one of 3 roles and use them as (usually unconscious) strategies to gain power and dominance.
The irony/tragedy of the drama triangle is that each of its roles is fundamentally disempowering. Nobody wins, everybody loses. And the cycle continues.
As such, unless you’re in it for the fun, it’s generally advisable to notice when you’re in the drama triangle and make your way out again.
Today I want to share with you an aspect of the drama triangle I haven’t seen anyone talk about before.
So if you’re reading this and you’re still not entirely sure what a drama triangle is, here’s an article that will fill you in on what it is, how it works and how to move from drama to mutual empowerment:
https://www.peptalksblog.com/moving-from-drama-to-mutual-empowerment/
Higher-order Drama
One thing I haven’t seen written about before, is that there are ways to be “outside of the drama triangle” while still being in it.
In other words: We think we leave the drama triangle behind, but in reality, we just found a way to make more refined or sophisticated drama.
Many things in life are like this: We think we’re out but you’re just in a bigger cycle of the same thing with higher levels of sophistication and abstraction.
An example of this is spiritual seekers who feel better than others because “everyone’s so stuck in their ego” . (A bigger, more annoying version of being stuck in your ego.)
A good illustration would be the concept of being “a subject to the whims of those in power”.
You can go all the way up the chain with this:
Politicians being subject to the whims of the lobbyists funding them. Those companies being subject to the whims of the board members.
How far up you go with this depends on how many conspiracy theories you like to believe in. And while I don’t believe this myself, for simplicity’s sake, let’s imagine that if you go all the way up, there is a person somewhere who is literally “king of the woooorld”.
This person will still be ruled by the whims, desires and temptations. They’re still trapped in the same cycle. You can’t get out of a cycle by moving up to a larger version of it.
The same is true for the drama triangle.
When I first wrote about how I view the drama triangle and its counterpart, the empowerment triangle, I mentioned that both have invisible figures at their core (“the perpetrator” and “the forgiven”) which are both at the cause and the effect of the dynamic.
But they also have a hidden figure looming on the outside.
For the drama triangle, this is “The Judge”.
The Role of the Judge
The judge is an interesting role, because when we embody it, we get to make drama while simultaneously distancing ourselves from it.
The judge is neither victim, nor persecutor, nor savior. It’s a supposedly impartial figure who merely looks at all the drama, weighs the data and declares a verdict.
The judge can use their powers of reason to declare verdict on one of the roles. They do so by impartially reasoning which one is the “perpetrator” (in reality, as you may remember all roles are aspects of the perpetrator). Which restarts the cycle of drama and re-affirms the judge’s power.
To do this, the judge doesn’t even need others to see them as an authority. If people disagree with the verdict, the drama also continues.
But we don’t need to make a verdict to be in the judge role. We can also simply look at the drama and say “this is beneath me”, “I’m too mature for that shit”.
…and that, my friend, is the genius of the judge’s drama.
If you pay close attention, such an attitude is still part of the triangle. The judge may not participate in the arena. But make no mistake, they are using it as a strategy to gain dominance, power and ego-juice.
A respected judge is more powerful than a ruler. Because they can sway the opinion of the public against them.
How the Judge Role Dominates
While the victim, persecutor and the savior all derive their power from pointing at the perpetrator, the judge doesn’t even need one.
The judge can point at anyone, inside or outside of the triangle. And they don’t need to say anything negative. All they have to do is judge.
If the judge points at the victim and says “this victim is a good person”, they gain power.
Because they position themselves as deciding who is good or bad, who is worthy or unworthy,
The implication, if people nod their heads, is that the judge is a person of superior discernment. Why else would someone give them the job of deciding what is what?
Interestingly, I’ve noticed I become more judgy in periods when I’m less in touch with my power. And I’ll eat my proverbial hat if I’m the only one.
(The word “proverbial” is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that promise, phew!)
In such a period, I’ll embody the judge casually in subtle ways, using its drama to puff up my perceived power.
I invite you to observe where this might show up for you as well:
Notice where you take the role of the judge.
- The judge of quality (“what is good”)
- The judge of character (“who is good”)
- The judge of method (“which way is best”)
In those moments, how does it feel to relinquish your power and reclaim your judgment as a statement of your own feelings, rather than the thing itself?
Going from “this music sucks” to “I prefer a different genre”.
Going from “that guy is cool” from “I feel entranced by his aura”.
And going from “you’re an asshole” to “I disagree with what you did there, because I value ___”.
Somatically, owning that the way I perceive other things originates with me makes me both feel more solid in myself and more vulnerable.
While embodying the judge and declare it’s the thing itself makes me feel somewhat bigger, but more wired .
What Does the Judge Become In the Empowerment Triangle?
As you may remember from the original post, the drama triangle can be flipped over into an empowerment triangle, making everyone better off.
The judge is uniquely tied to the drama triangle because the only way for the judge to access their power is to wield it. To make verdicts about people—or at the very least remind them they could do it if they wanted to.
The judge never empowers. They only hold power over.
So what does that look like in the flipped triangle?
In the empowerment triangle, the judge has become the sage.
The Sage does not make judgments as a way to derive power. The sage makes discernments that are derived from wisdom, and speaks them only when they empower others.
Notice that while judgment deals with people, wisdom deals with larger lessons. It separates the person from the behavior. And it separates the behavior from the quality or intention that gave rise to it.
This is why I wrote about forgiveness being the heart of the path to the flipping the drama triangle into the empowerment triangle. The judge can not forgive. At best they can “pardon a sentence”. Because forgiveness involves no longer placing the person in your court altogether.
It requires exactly what the sage does: Seeing the behavior of humans in a larger perspective and recognizing the fragile innocence underneath all the harm we do each other.
The sage is still witnessing all that happens. The sage is still using their powers of discernment, but they don’t need to be witnessed in it the way the judge does.
They often empower others quietly. They don’t interfere more than necessary. They don’t disperse more wisdom than is appropriate for the situation at hand, and find ways to deliver it that can be properly received by the listener.
The judges looks down on the drama. The sage humbly places themselves below it, and in rare moments, is even willing to participate when wisdom shows them this is the way.
(A great example of this is Jesus making drama with the religious leaders of his time because they focused too much on interpreting God’s rules literally and, for example didn’t allow him to heal a man on the sabbath. A passage from the bible I rarely hear Christian leaders talk about.)
The judge takes power from others to maintain their position. The sage has quiet and innocuous ways of giving. And whether their discernment is revered or not, they keep giving.
They are in touch with their power and use it to lift up the world where they can.
In general, it’s my observation that we judge when we feel fragile. And we…ehm…”sage” when we feel whole.
As such, one of the best ways to turn this around is to learn to bring yourself back to a felt sense of wholeness.
Part of the motivation behind most of my work is to give people that sense.
My book is basically a 400 page Pep Talk intended to make you experience this.
The reason I sometimes tackle taboo topics is the same: To reclaim those things as a part of us.
And the modalities or practices we work with in the Connection Dojo (an online training space for connection, self-expression and relating) all have an aspect of cultivating a sense of wholeness too.