Something’s starting to click for me about the nature of expectations.
I’ve been observing how they show up inside myself and the people I interact with, and as I paid close attention to the shape of the phenomenon, it almost felt like unmasking a Scooby Doo villain:
“It was you! All along it was you!”
(OK nevermind that’s a Breaking Bad quote, not Scooby Doo but you know what? Artistic liberty. I do whatever I want.)
The first time I caught a glimpse of it was noticing a pattern in spaces aimed at connection practices.
It’s not uncommon for people to join those workshops with a certain expectation. Such as wanting it to be deep, or edgy, or fun, or emotional.
Connection practices can be all of those things. But none of them are specifically on the agenda. The only thing on the agenda is to connect what’s here.
So, there are moments when people get a bit bored or annoyed. Because the space didn’t match the expectation they knowingly or unknowingly came with.
And if those people are a bit more experienced with the practices, they’ll also reveal that:
“I’m feeling annoyed. I wish there was more ___ in the group right now.”
I myself seem to be on the other end of the spectrum. Where I come with zero expectations and tend to be content with whatever happens. Which comes with its own downsides, as we’ll see in a bit.
To my awareness, the most common self-development trope about expectations is something like:
“You can’t be disappointed if you don’t have expectations.”
I think that quote can potentially do a lot of harm, because it encourages us to stop caring about things we clearly do care about.
But I also get it. Being disappointed isn’t fun.
You know what is fun though? Looking forward to things because you expect them to be good!
In reality, expectations and disappointment are not linked.
You can have high expectations without that causing disappointment.
Disappointment isn’t caused by expectations.
All you need to do is remember that reality owes you nothing.
Aim for awesome, then let go of the need to have things turn out exactly like you wanted.
…wait, what was that word?
“Aim”
Something felt off about that word.
Because having expectations isn’t exactly aiming, is it?
When you feel into the shape of expectations, it’s more like a mix between hoping and demanding.
But as I’ve been feeling more deeply into it, I noticed something else:
It seems to me like our expectations are outward projections of our intentions, when we lack the initiative, courage or creativity to make them real.
This is what happens when we go to a party and say “damn, I expected this party to be fun”.
Well, if you think about it, everyone there was expecting the party to be fun.
Of course! It’s a party!
So why is it not fun?
Because everyone is expecting everyone else to deliver on that fun, but nobody is committing to their intention to have it!
We project our intentions outwardly as expectations.
A way to flip that, is:
1) Notice what we expected of a person, a place or an experience
2) Own that this was the disowned intention we brought when we chose
3) Be the ambassador of the experience you wanted to have.
My partner, Ari is great at this for example.
If she arrives at a party and no one is dancing, she will just dance.
And you know what happens? Give it 20 minutes and everyone’s dancing.
Why?
Because they all came with intentions dressed up like Scooby Doo villains, pretending to be expectations until somebody unmasked it.
What was missing was initiative.
Initiative is something I’ve decided I will exploriment a lot with this summer.
Because let’s go back to what I mentioned a few minutes ago:
I tend to arrive to places without expectations.
I often feel a state of okayness, not expecting anything from anyone or anything.
Well, in those moments, I’m also low on initiative.
I have no expectations because I have no clear intentions to project.
Seems like a state which has both (owned intentions, high in initiative) would be a great place to move from.
Because in this way, I’m also bringing gifts for anyone else whose intentions were masked as expectations.
The ability to say “Here’s the experience I’d love to have right now… would you be willing to do that with me?” without an ounce of demand or expectation is a superpower. (Which I used to possess. And I’m committed to bring it back over these next weeks. )
This type of thing also shows up in our relationships.
There’s a famous quote by Neil Strauss which goes “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
To me, that’s no different from thinking a party is lame when, in fact, you are not using your limbs to make it any different.
When we have an unspoken expectation of our partner, what we do is hold them responsible for our own intentions and desires rather than communicating we have them.
An example of this is getting the ick over someone proposing to split the bill.
If there was an expectation not to, what there really was, was an intention to experience being fully taken care of and not having to pay. Which is a perfectly fine intention to have. One that can easily be spoken into existence, thereby banishing all chances of getting the ick!
Which brings me to standards.
Standards are different from expectations, in that they are owned again.
While an expectation attempts to place your intention in another person, place or thing, having standards is not just owning your intention but fully committing to them.
On the surface, standards look like expectations on steroids:
—”You mean instead of just expecting people to act a certain way, you require it of them?”—
In a way, yes. But requirements like this are more respectful, and the onus is placed on you.
Expectations hold the other person responsible for what you want.
Standards hold you responsible for moving away from anything that does not match what you wish to experience, or resonate with.
Don’t have expectations for how people should treat you. Have standards. Expectations are implicit demands made on someone who might not meet them. They can lead to frustration on both sides.
Standards mean only getting involved with people, places or things that offer you that experience by default.
Which might mean choosing loneliness, emptiness or nothing at all instead.
But that’s your choice. Not a demand on anyone.
A therapist once told me “your standards for other people are too high”.
I’m happy I didn’t take that to heart.
Because of sticking to those standards, I’m now surrounded by people with similar standards. And it’s made my life a lot easier.
I invite you to play around with these topics and to notice what they reveal for you.
And once I’ve explorimented with the topic long enough, I’ll share with you my learnings about initiative.
May you be the ambassador of the experience you wish to have.