Different situations cause us to develop different relationship skills.
One example of this that I spend a lot of time thinking about is how the relational landscape is completely different for us in the 21st century than the centuries before.
In a world where divorce is possible and everyone can open an app to arrange dates with strangers, relationship skills look very different than they did in an era where divorce did not exist.
The skill of making a marriage work “because no matter what you do, you’re stuck with each other” is a very different skill than making a marriage work “because if not, the marriage might end one day”.
Similarly, in the modern world, knowing how to orient yourself in new groups or make friends in a new environment is a crucial skill.
But for someone in the “old world” who spent entire lives in a small tribe, that skill will never be required or even come up in conversation. Because there are no new groups to orient yourself in.
One blessing of the modern world is that, if people mistreat you, you can remove them from your life.
This situation invites you to build skills like assertiveness, having boundaries, walking away from anyone willing to repeatedly treat you in a way you don’t like (and not being too much of an a-hole because people will walk away from you too).
One blessing of the old world is that you couldn’t just walk away from conflict. You literally lived with it.
You had to see the same people of your village or tribe for the rest of your life. And depending on which era, handling conflict the wrong way might have gotten you killed.
That situation invited you to practice the skill of forgiveness, diplomacy and conflict resolution.
One blessing of the modern world is that, if you don’t vibe with someone, you can just go and make new friends. You don’t need a reason for it. If their general way of being rubs you the wrong way, you go and find some people who rub you the right way (oh stop it, you perv).
One blessing of the old world is that, since your survival depended on mutual cooperation, you had to find a way to cooperate.
Think about it:
Imagine someone you really don’t vibe with. Maybe a politician, an influencer or an ex.
Now imagine being stranded on a deserted island with them. You’re both stripped of all the powers given to you by society. You both need each other if you want to have any chance at a decent life on the island..
In such a situation, you’ll have to find a way to make it enjoyable for both of you.
At some point you’ll have to wade through all the distasteful parts of the vibe soup between you and find things you can both laugh about. Things you agree upon. Ways you work together that are mutually enjoyable.
This is a skill we are less and less incentivized to learn because we are not in that situation.
Incentive does play a role here. For example: I’m pretty good at this skill, but because we live in a world where there is an abundance of people all around us, I rarely practice it.
When I don’t vibe with someone, I usually go “okay, I’ll talk to someone else”.
Still, there’s real value in practicing this.
There’s value in staying in a conversation a little longer and finding areas of mutual resonance.
Things to talk about, or ways to talk about them that make you both come alive.
The easiest way to start practicing this is to invoke curiosity.
You can point your curiosity at the interaction itself (why is this not working? what about it feels off to me? what would make it more wonderful?).
You can point it towards the other person (what do I not know about them? what makes them laugh most? what brings them joy in daily life? what do they live for? what do I find exciting and how would they feel about that?).
And if you’re both feeling brave and suspect they can handle it, you can explicitly point your curiosity towards the dissonance:
“Why do you think we don’t enjoy interacting with each other?“
Whatever you point it at, pay close attention for moments you are both delighted by the direction it takes you.
If not, keep rerouting. Eventually, you’ll find places of resonance.
Even if you already know you’ll never be best friends, you’ll end up with a more enjoyable way to interact.