The most common advice for giving feedback is the “compliment sandwich”:

1) Take a piece of constructive criticism.

2) Slap a compliment before and after it to make it more palatable.

3) Pretend all 3 are equally relevant even though everyone knows your reason for creating the sandwich was the middle part.

This technique has been circulating in communication advice for decades, and despite so many people endorsing it, it actually makes your feedback less effective and—in subtle ways—slowly undermines your relationship.

So let’s have a look at why, and what you can do instead.

Why to Avoid the Compliment Sandwich Technique

Compliment sandwiches erode the value of both the compliments and the criticism.

People can’t know if the compliment was genuine or just something you mustered up for the sandwich.

And since it might be the latter, the candor of the criticism can no longer be trusted either.

After all, if you felt the need to soften the blow with a few compliments, how can they know that what remains of the criticism still honors your original message fully? Who says it isn’t softened or diluted either?

A compliment sandwich also decreases the effectiveness of the feedback itself, because the goal is to deliver constructive criticism, however:

1) 66% of a compliment sandwich is praise.

2) People remember the start and end of a story more than the middle (due to the ​primacy and recency effects​).

This means that there’s quite a chance the person will not receive your sandwich as criticism with added kindness but as a big compliment with some subtle nuance in the middle. Which was not the goal.

On top of that, because compliment sandwiches as a technique are well-known, they can come across as condescending to some.

Because they subcommunicate that you presume the other person lacks the maturity to handle straight feedback. That you need to sugarcoat it, the way we sugarcoat vitamins for little kids.

(This presumption can be correct, but even if it is, there are better ways to deliver challenging feedback. Which we’ll go into in a bit.)

Additionally, even if the person doesn’t catch you doing it the first time, using compliment sandwiches consistently over time makes people catch the pattern, which can subtly decrease trust in the relationship. Because there are 3 possible explanations when a person always gives compliment sandwiches:

1) Some of the compliments are fake, and only there for the sandwich.

2) All the compliments are real, but when there are no compliments to give, the criticism isn’t shared.

3) They have a bunch of compliments they can give at any time, but it’s the criticism that becomes the reason to finally give them.

None of these are great for long-term trust. Better to just give your compliments and criticisms at separate moments.

So can you do instead?

SBI Feedback

A helpful way to phrase feedback is the SBI (Situation – Behavior – Impact ) model.

At its most formulaic, this looks like:

“When (thing happened) and you (did thing), I (had experience/felt feeling).”

Situation matters because the context often changes the impact itself (e.g. it can make you furious when someone calls you a ***** in the supermarket but also be a huge turn on when someone calls you that in bed).

Behavior matters because on average, people have a hard time separating a behavior from a person. Instead of “whenever someone does this, I feel offended”, they’ll say “you’re so rude” . But as feedback, the latter is completely useless, and will likely be taken personally. The former is actionable and impersonal.

Impact is the most interesting element because it does several things once. Which we’ll explore in a bit.

Besides being more honest and clear, SBI feedback is also more accurate than a compliment sandwich.

Because often, what seems to be about the other person (“this song sucks”, “this is bad governance”) is really about ​the intersection between 2 people​ (“music doesn’t match my taste”, “your legislation is good for society as a whole but bad for me as an individual”).

It may seem like in many cases, feedback can’t be phrased this way because it isn’t about “experiences” or “feelings”.

But it always is, it’s just not always obvious why. Here are some examples to illustrate:

Feedback on a Piece of Writing

“During (part of the writing), I felt less engaged. By the end, when you (wrote this other thing), I felt my focus come back.”

This is really helpful, because it gives the writer a true account of what a person felt while reading their work.

You might also say “this phrase is violating rule 19 of excellent writing, it should be corrected”. But in the end, what makes writing good is not following rules. It’s how the writing interacts with the reader’s mind.

Feedback on Work Performance

“When you (did thing), (metric) went down, so (other department) had to work hard to compensate.”

Again, this is more useful than “you didn’t do your job”, because it gives the person a clear sense of how exactly the way they work makes a difference on other people’s lives.

Feedback as impact is generally more useful than feedback as advice. Because giving good advice requires an understanding of what the other person is trying to achieve (and what they value).

But sharing how something impacted you is insightful, no matter who you are & what you know:

“Your marketing would improve if you applied (technique).” is often unhelpful (or wrong) unless the advice giver knows the full context. Since brand personality, target audience, cultural context, financial situation and whether they are playing a long-term or short-term game with their marketing all make a difference in what the ideal marketing approach is.

On the other hand, “I felt reluctant to buy because (thing) made me think (doubtful thought)”, is extremely useful feedback that anyone can give and it requires zero understanding of marketing or the person’s business context.

It’s very clear feedback. It allows the person to decide if you are in their target audience or not. And if so, you just gave them something no marketing guru can give them. Wich comes down to an important distinction I learned from Chris Gray (a course leader at ART International):

“Feedback without impact is just an opinion.”

If you pay close attention, that’s what a lot of advice on the internet is too. Just an opinion. But if someone can honestly tell you “here’s how it feels to me”, that’s real.

Speaking of Chris, here’s another thing I learned from him:

Drive-by Feedback

Drive-by feedback is when you drop some feedback on someone, but then don’t stick around to see the impact you feedback had on them.

Asking how your words landed isn’t just a form of emotional care, it’s also feedback on your feedback. …which is the best way to get better at giving it.

(As a side note: there’s no point in giving feedback someone doesn’t have the capacity to fully welcome and receive. Because they will either reject it or use up their capacity to process the emotions they feel about it, not consindering how to constructively integrate the information they received.)

If you have a long list of feedback to give, it can be helpful to pause after each point, allow it to sink in and check if they’re ready to receive more.

This may sound strange if it doesn’t apply to you, but besides criticism, many people actually struggle with ​processing praise​.

So each piece of feedback you give influences the mindset and degree of receptivity they have towards the next one.

Which brings me to…

Set and Setting

For people using psychedelics, set and setting can make a big difference in whether the trip will become a dark experience or a blissful one.

The “set” refers to the impact of the mindset the person is in. The “setting” refers to the impact of the external context.

The same principle applies to compliments:

Constructive criticism in the presence of co-workers, crushes or employers differs from that feedback given privately, because its impact goes beyond the feedback itself.

It can influence things like social status or how they are perceived by people who can change the course of their lives (e.g. their livelihood, or romantic future).

In other words: The setting changes the nature of the feedback and whether it’s helpful or harmful.

“Set” applies to feedback too, in the sense that heightened emotional state can make certain feedback harder to process, or cause people to take it more personally.

The classic way to control set and setting is to butter the person up before handing them criticism, but again, this can rightfully be perceived as manipulative and decrease trust.

Instead, you can simply check for the set and setting:

“Hey, I have some feedback for you. You open to hearing it right now?”

You can also specify whether it’s about affirmation, improvement, or a complaint—and why exactly you want to tell them.

If all of this feels cumbersome, you might ask yourself…

Who Is It For?

It’s a question we don’t often ask. After all, isn’t the feedback always for them?

Not really. It depends on the intended goal of the feedback. Are you trying to:

• Empower them (e.g. reveal their blindspots, affirm their strengths, offer wisdom)?
• Tear them down (e.g. “to be honest, your thing sucked”)?
• Feel superior (e.g.: flash knowledge, unsolicited advice, or evaluation)?

The lines are often blurry, so ​here’s a link to a framework that can help you figure it out​.

There’s a subtle dynamic to be aware of with evaluative feedback specifically.

While usually not intended as such, it can feel like a power move. The framing creates potential for a subtext that we have higher authority than them. After all, how else can we evaluate them?

Sticking to the “feedback as impact” model avoids this dynamic entirely. Evaluation can only be done from a higher perspective. Impact can be shared ​humbly but powerfully, as equals​.

Speaking of “who is it for”, you might also ask yourself:

Does It Need to Be Said?

Good feedback doesn’t always have to be verbal.

Sometimes the kindest or most effective feedback is silent & clear.

In the same way, you don’t actually need to receive verbalized feedback to get the feedback you are looking for.

Every response—or lack thereof—you get is feedback from life.

Life always speaks to you. And you can listen, even if the feedback is not verbalized.

Similarly, you may find that you are already giving feedback to people all the time through your behavior (if your behavior is authentically aligned). And that it only needs to be verbalized when people don’t pick up on it, or when it specifically matters to you that they do.

The degree to which feedback can (or should) be verbalized also depends on the nature of the existing relationship.

How intimate are you? How open are you to each other’s feedback? How important is integrating the feedback to the well-being of the remainder of your relationship (or the future relationships the person will have with others)?

All of these can help you decide whether it’s wanted or needed to offer this piece of feedback or not.