There are a lot of things I wish I could write to you about right now.

Over 200 things, to be precise. And the challenge is that they’re all intertwined.

I don’t want to send you a tangled mess. I want to offer you a way to see things I’ve learned in a way that’s clear and direct.

So one day at a time, I’m writing down little things I’ll be referring to in future texts.

Today, I’d like to introduce you to something I haven’t seen discussed when it comes to relationships.

I call them “Relational Entities“.

What Are Relational Entities?

Most relationship advice focuses on the people inside the relationship:

“How’s Bob doing? How does Sandra feel about that? Where does their communication get stuck?”

This is, of course, relevant stuff. But whenever Bob and Sandra are together, there is a third thing in the room:

The relationship itself.

It’s not quite Bob, it’s not quite Sandra either, it’s an abstract entity that has its own needs, desires and boundaries, much like a human does. It even grows up, matures, goes through seasons and develops a personality the way a human does.

This is not limited to romantic relationships, this applies to any relationship between 2 or more people (and that rabbit hole goes deep, but in this post, we’ll only go as deep as we need).

2 people can both be happy with their relationship, have their personal needs met, treat each other well and genuinely enjoy being together.

But that doesn’t mean the relationship itself is healthy.

It’s not uncommon for couples to feel satisfied while their relationship quietly deteriorates, for example.

Maybe they treat each other really well but the relationship itself needs nourishment (focused attention placed on it, not them). Maybe they respect each other greatly, but the relationship itself doesn’t respect or serve either. Such situations are possible.

They aren’t “unovercomable” , but if we’re not aware that they exist, we might blame each other instead of nurture the relationship.

Every relationship is a threesome.

There’s you, your partner, and the relationship you’re in.

Each have their own needs, boundaries and desires (which constantly impact each other’s).

It’s common to sacrifice one (or more) for the others.

The best choices honor all three.

Why Call Them Entities?

Odd as the term may seem, relational entities are observably real.

Have you ever had 2 friends who are really fun to hang out with separately but get a bit more feisty when you hang with them together?

Exactly! That’s because the relationship between both of them has a personality which doesn’t exist when they are alone. It’s an entity of its own.

Both separate people are still in the room, but a third thing is too. And you’re interacting with all 3.

Another reason relationships are distinct entities from the people in them is that our interactions with them will have them respond the way human beings do, too.

For example, relational entities can get traumatized, just like us.

Let’s say for example, that you cheat on your partner. You don’t feel guilty about it, and your partner doesn’t know it.

So, serious moral questions aside, technically neither of you would be affected by the cheating unless they found out…right?

But the relational entity does know. It is deeply affected. Before the cheating, both people were living in the same reality. Now they’re living in different ones.

This changes everything for the relational entity, it can feel this disconnect, and that will affect the people in it. Even if they don’t understand why.

Does This Extend to Relationships with More Than 2?

Yes, in fact, as far as I understand it, ​they can become infinite​.

And it’s easy to underestimate how quickly things escalate when it comes to relational entities.

How many relational entities are in a group of 3 people?

…at least 7:

3 individual people, 3 pair relationships, 1 group entity, and honestly, I’m too lazy at math to start to count what gets added when “The entity of person A+B interacts with C individually” and how many that adds into the mix.

That’s just 3 people. Ever hung out with 10?

This is why group chemistry can be so complex, why groups can be intimidating, but also while groups can be so electrifying.

Each person entering a group adds another ingredient to ​the vibe soup​.

Wild to think about! Adding 1 person to a group of 5 is adding 10+ new relational entities into the mix with their own needs, desires and personalities.

No wonder groups are sometimes instinctively protective against newbies or outsiders. Everyone who arrives brings a gang with them.

(Side note for people who want to nerd out: This gets even wilder when you count the ​psychofauna​ in the room. Or the person/role relationships. But all of that, my dear friend, is best left for another day.)

What to Do with This?

My main reason for making this post is just so I can refer to it in the future whenever I use this term I came up with.

This way I won’t have to explain it each time, and this will smooth out your reading experience.

But while we’re at it, why not share some ways you can play with this concept too?

1)

When you are making decisions with your partner, why not consult the relationship itself too?

“OK, we’re both on board with doing this. But how will our relationship be impacted? What does it want? What does it need to feel safe or nourished?”

2)

Play a game where you take turns trying to tune into how your relationship is feeling “Right now, our relationship seems to feel ____” (Horny, bored, grieving, expansive, childlike, playful, stuck…)

See what comes up.

3)

Just generally talk about what the relationship seems to be going through.

“Where does it seem to want to go? What is it not in the mood for lately? What does it want or need for us? How is it growing up?”

An interesting aspect of this is that both people tend to want something from and for the relationship too.

It’s not just how Bob relates to Sandra + how Sandra relates to Bob + the relationship. It’s how Bob relates to the relationship, how Sandra relates to the relationship, and how it relates both of them too.

4)

Get to know the preferences of your relationships:

What activities does our relationship love, even if they’re not our personal favorites?

What do we both like to do, that somehow our relationship doesn’t enjoy when we do them together?

If our relationship had a love language, what would it be? How does that differ from ours? What makes it come alive?

I’m just riffing. There’s a lot here you can play and ​exploriment​ with. You also don’t have to. Just starting to bring awareness to the fact that this entity exist and how you’re treating it can already go a long way.

Additionally, if you get really good at slowing down your awareness in social situations, you will notice these things intuitively without having to “analyze the entities” or anything that could get you trapped in your head.