In one of this week’s sessions for the cohort I’m currently facilitating, some interesting questions came up around the topic of curiosity.
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone write about this before, so I thought I’d share it with you as well.
Just to make sure we start building this theory on the same foundation, here’s the definition I will be using for the word “curiosity”:
“A strong, intrinsic desire to know or learn something.”
“Something” could be anything: From a topic, to a person, to the nature of reality itself.
But first, some necessary context:
The Window of Tolerance
The “Window of Tolerance” is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel (I first learned about it in a training from ART International).
He introduced it to describe the optimal zone of arousal in which a person can function most effectively—emotionally regulated, flexible, and resilient—without becoming hyperaroused (fight/flight) or hypoaroused (freeze/shutdown).
At any given moment, your nervous system is riding a wave between too much and too little.
The sweet spot—where you’re grounded, flexible, responsive—is called your window of tolerance.
Inside the window of tolerance:
- You can think, feel, choose.
- Emotions move, but don’t drown you.
- Stress exists, but doesn’t hijack you.
Outside the window are 2 different states:
- Hyperarousal (fight/flight): Heart racing, anger, panic, urgency, overwhelm.
- Hypoarousal (freeze/collapse): Numbness, shutdown, disconnection, exhaustion.
As you can see, the size of the window isn’t fixed.
It stretches or shrinks based on trauma history, attachment experiences, current stress load, and nervous system health.
But most importantly: It can shrink and expand based on our lifestyle and how we treat ourselves.
We are not victims to a certain window of tolerance that was “installed in our childhood”. I’ve personally gone from a very tiny to a very large “base window”.
As a result, I rarely fall into any of the disregulated states any more. But “rarely” doesn’t mean “never” (and paradoxically, part of what expands the window is to spend time on the edges of dysregulation while keeping one foot in the regulated state). So an important thing I want to highlight is:
Regulation isn’t about never leaving the window. And dysregulation isn’t “bad”. It’s quite useful to be able to access that state (and I believe it’s even essential—as I mentioned in this recent post about speed).
The key is to notice when you are outside your window of tolerance, and learn how to return.
But what does this have to do with curiosity?
Curiosity and Attachment
When we say “curiosity”, we generally refer to one thing. The thing I mentioned at the start of this article:
A desire to know, or to know more intimately.
But as it often goes with words, they often reduce a variety of different experiences to the same descriptor.
I think curiosity spans a spectrum with 2 opposite poles and “centered curiosity” in the middle, which is directly tied to our window of tolerance—and bears a striking resemblance to attachment styles.
Curiosity is one of the driving forces towards intimacy. Whether that is intimacy with a person, a musical instrument, or the drops of paint dripping from the wall.
When we are within our window of tolerance, our curiosity is pure, open, expansive. Curiosity from a regulated nervous system is a sense of wonder, an open window into the world.
And it is a tolerant window indeed, because this type of curiosity has no need to find specific answers. All it wants it to deepen intimacy. Which of course means, all it wants is to get to know things as they are.
This “centered curiosity” is non-reactive, and can even find a sense of joy in pursuing an elusive answer. Centered curiosity would die once it fully knew everything. Because its life force depends on the ongoing relationship with the unknown.
Centered curiosity wants to play. It wants to continue living in unknowing, constantly teased by the truth, dancing on the edge of novelty and fulfilled expectations. Celebrating with equal delight the guesses that were wrong and those which were right.
But when we enter a state of hyperarousal, that same curiosity starts to look very different. This sort of anxious-curiosity is the kind that can’t cope with not having an answer. “I need to know this, now.” is the only thing on its mind. This is the kind of curiosity that feels like “probing” when you’re on the receiving end of it. I imagine it’s the type of curiosity that killed the cat.
Underneath this type of curiosity, of course, is a form of attachment. We need to know, because there’s only one acceptable answer.
And the same is true for curiosity paired with hypo arousal:
Hypoaroused curiosity sings “I don’t wanna know“. Not because it’s not curious, but because it’s better not to know, than to know the wrong thing. The perfect example would be wondering if your partner is cheating and consciously ignoring the signs. Or thinking “I’m not going to ask you if you still love me, because as long as I don’t, you still do.“
So in a sense you could say that in this context.:
- Secure attachment leads to secure curiosity
- Anxious attachment = attachment to clarity
- Avoidant attachment = turning away from possible painful truths
But this isn’t just a thing in romantic relationships.
I think it is extremely common:
For example, if you ask yourself the question:
“What sort of evidence would it take for you to change your mind 100% about all your current political or spiritual convictions?”
(P.S. The conviction that all politics or spiritual ideas are the same old BS is also a conviction to which this question applies.)
Think about this for a moment because it’s easy to dismiss:
Most people choose their political convictions based on the world they want to live in.
If turns out, that there is black on white proof that the way the world works is the opposite of how you want it to work, politically and spiritually…would you want to know all about it?
Our window of tolerance influences how much uncertainty or truth we can emotionally bear without defense.
But it’s also our degree of necessity for answers & certainty.
The more we can widen our window of tolerance, the more we can be in a state of centered curiosity rather than an “anxious” or “avoidant curiosity”.
And the centered curiosity is the like the first pokémon of evolution of wonder, which eventually evolves into awe.
So I guess what I want to conclude with is this:
If you want to make your life more awesome:
- Stay curious
- Practice widening your window of tolerance (you can use the tools on the left and right side of the image above)
- Eat a plate of spaghetti while reading this thread about why spaghetti is incredibly awesome.