There’s a certain type of invitation I often receive, which is exactly the kind of invitation I used to dream of.
And yet, experience has taught me that more often than not, it’s best to decline it.
It goes something like this:
“Hey Pep! I think we have a lot in common. Like shared interests x, y and z. And from what I can tell, we have a similar mindset too. We should hang out some time, I bet we’d have a blast!”
It’s a strange thing. On paper, this is a best case scenario. Who wouldn’t want to meet more people with shared interest and a similar mindset?
Except…in my experience, even though we both come in with a shared intention, the “blast” is rarely had.
In fact, besides some exceptions, most of these conversations ended up being a bit dry and stale.
At first I thought this to be a coincidence. But with time, I learned to see it was a pattern.
Especially as I compared these moments with other moments of social expansion.
Why is this?
It has to do with what we envision “finding our people” to look like, and the way we actually find them, which is counterintuitive.
(A principle that can be applied to anything, as we’ll soon see.)
When we try to make friends based on categories and mental associations (shared interests or opinions), we meet people who tick all the boxes of being a theoretical match with us.
But real matches have little to do with these things.
Think back of your first friendships, how did these spark?
Initially, of course, you had to meet the people. By proximity, or sometimes, indeed, a shared hobby.
But think of all the people you have met through one of your hobbies or interests.
Whether it’s in a physical space (like a music school or a gym), or a virtual one (like a social media platform or internet forum).
What’s the percentage of them you could envision being best friends with?
I’m willing to guess it’s below 50%. The correlation isn’t that strong.
Because what sparks friendships isn’t similarity but shared aliveness.
Aliveness has little to do with how well your interests align.
It can show up in that context (when you both get excited about the interest), but it can show up without it as well.
But perhaps more importantly:
1) Aliveness occurs even with people you have nothing in common with.
2) There’s a point of diminishing returns on aliveness when you are too similar.
This is easy to prove by taking it to the extreme:
Imagine being in a room where everyone is exactly like you. Zero difference. Same mindset. Same interests. Same triggers. Same behavior.
What is there to discover, to talk about, to do?
There’s still fun to be had, but it would be the same as having it by yourself, because they are like you.
Finding people who are exactly like you would be no different from being alone.
On the other hand, it can be quite an unpleasant experience to be in a group where you feel like the outsider and nobody gets you.
So it’s not that my advice on this would be “go where nobody is like you”.
Instead, I invite you to consider that the way to meet your people is unrelated to how different or similar they are to you—but that seeking for similarities can often lead to people who are not a match.
Why is this?
Because when we focus on similarities, our mind makes a theory that they are a match, and this will override the reality that there is little aliveness there to spark a friendship.
What to do instead?
Wherever you are, whomever you’re mingling with, pay attention to signals of aliveness in your body.
Resonance, dissonance, aversion, attraction, curiosity.
This how you find your people. You navigate a space and pay attention to these shapes of resonance. It’s possible that they show up towards no one. Then it’s not your space.
It’s possible they show up with a random person on the street, or someone who doesn’t match your favorite category of person. Trust it. Talk to them. If you’re feeling brave, you might even reveal what you felt.
If they’re not feeling it, respect that, of course.
But in my experience, it’s rare for this to lead you to the wrong person.
It’s amazing how, if you attune deeply to your own body, you can walk into a room and instantly know which people (if any) are going to play an important part in your life—or you in theirs.
On paper, my best friends are a bunch of people that you wouldn’t see together. Different backgrounds, hobbies, interests, attitudes. Different parts of the political spectrum. And yet, the moment I met these people I knew I had found them. You feel the resonance.
The friendship itself might take time to develop. But this is how you find your people. This is also how you find your partner—and how you find anything really…
Because appearance isn’t essence.
For example:
People often recommend punk rock music to me, because I used to sing in a punk rock band.
In reality, there’s only a handful of punk rock artists I love. Because what I resonate with is not the category “punk rock”, it’s the aliveness I feel with these specific artists.
And it applies to all styles I like. I love reggae, classical, electronic music, etc.
If I would find a playlist with music in those styles, I’d probably mildly enjoy it.
But that’s not the same as a song grabbing you by the butt and shaking it while forcing you to sing along the very first time you hear it, is it?
The latter is aliveness.
The former is a theoretical match that you accept because it looks like one.
The same is true of books, shows, anything the algorithm (or a person) recommends based on categories.
A Netflix show fed to you by the algorithm will probably match your stated preferences, but how often does it make you feel alive? Compel you to call your friend in the middle of the night to say they should watch it?
Those are the shows you’re really into.
Those shows are your shows, in the same way that the people you share a spark with are your people.
What finding them asks of us is to rewire the way we relate to our environment.
To not project our preferences onto our outer reality like categories, but to ignore all appearances and feel what’s really happening between us and another person.
I find this especially helpful on social media.
Anyone can brand themselves a certain way. Anyone can write about any topic they want and they’ll seem like they’d be a match for you.
But how does your body feel reading their posts? That’s how you find your people.
You may be surprised who or what you end up following when you go by that principle, and how different social media starts to feel.
You may be surprised who end up being your friends and lovers when you don’t look for signs of a match and allow yourself to respond to what’s real.
P.S. I lied in the title. Finding your people is not counterintuitive. It’s intuitive, but counteranalytical. Which would be a confusing title. So I used lossy communication to deliver the message more effectively.