Have you ever been in a relationship where after a while, you started only having sex on weekends? Maybe even less?
Or you went on a date with someone who was really good-looking. And you found out that on paper, you were both perfect for each other. But for some reason there was still not the slightest hint of sexual tension?
Often in situations like this, we tend to put the blame on something magical that’s beyond our control. We say that even though we liked each other, the magical “spark” of love was just not there (anymore). That there was nothing we could do about it.
Luckily, in most cases that’s not true. When 2 (or more) people genuinely like each other, sexual tension is actually something that can be facilitated by you and your partner. All it takes is a little effort and awareness.
Now how would you do this?
Traditional relationship advice mostly focuses on things like empathic listening, having respect for each other, spending quality time together, etc. These are all important things in any relationship or friendship. But when the issue is a lack of sexual tension, there is often a much more important thing to fix under the hood.
Enter the concept of sexual polarity…
What Is Sexual Polarity?
The easiest way to explain this would be by using magnets as an analogy.
Every magnet has 2 poles. A positive pole and a negative one. When you put 2 magnets together with opposing poles, they will attract each other. However, when you try to put these same 2 magnets together with the same poles facing each other, they will push each other away.
In the same way, you could say that every human being has a masculine and a feminine pole. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which one is the positive and which one is the negative pole 😉
When a masculine and feminine pole face each other, a sexual tension is sparked between the 2 people and they attracted to each other. When 2 masculine poles face, they cannot be attracted to each other. The same is true for 2 feminine poles.
Now before I get all the politically correct people on my back: Please not that I am not saying 2 men or 2 women cannot be sexually attracted to each other. As I mentioned, every human being has both a masculine and a feminine side to them. So we’re not talking biological sex here. We’re talking energetic “modes of being” (for lack of a better word) that exist in all of us. That means whenever I say “masculine”, I could just as well be talking about a woman.
To summarize, there are 2 energetic principles inside us. In every moment, depending on your behavior and inner stance, you will be charged with a combination of these energies. That means that to every interaction you bring a certain energy with you. And this energy will sexually affect the people you interact with.
So let’s say you’re interacting with people and you are:
• Polarized entirely to the masculine pole of your magnet: In this case we’ll feel a strong mutual attraction with people who are acting feminine in that moment. And sexually repulsed by people who act just as masculine as us.
• Polarized to the feminine pole of your magnet: The exact opposite, obviously.
• Somewhere in the muddy middle (let’s say “the side of the magnet”): You won’t feel a strong sexual tension with anyone. Though there can be a hint of it, since we’re rarely 50/50 in the middle. And people definitely will not be repulsed by us either. Many people live this way because it makes them feel safe, for better or worse.
When you are walking around, being 100% feminine that day. And you run into someone who is extremely masculine, you will feel sexual tension between the 2 of you. Even if you don’t say a word. Attraction will always happen.
On the other hand, you can love someone to death and be infatuated with them. But unless your sexual polarity is right, there will be no strong sexual tension.
What Exactly Is Masculine or Feminine Energy?
In Western society, there is a lot of confusion about what exactly makes someone “Masculine” or “Feminine”. And there’s a multitude of reasons for this.
One of them would be that throughout history, children were often initiated into what it meant to be “feminine” or “masculine” by the older generations. This is something that is lost from our culture. Similarly, the awareness of feminine and masculine spiritual principle in general is something that hasn’t been preserved in (most of) the West. Because it’s a little more esoteric and our culture is mostly science based.
In the past, gender roles in our Western society were very forced and caricatural. Where a real “masculine” man was a tyrant or a macho, and a real “feminine” woman happy to be a submissive servant. This is not the true essence of masculine and feminine principles (they are rather insecure imitations of it). But it probably served to create some of the sexual tension.
Then later on, a lot of our ideas of what these concept mean got tainted by advertisement companies. Suddenly masculinity meant beer, cars, football and expensive watches. And femininity meant having a slim belly, baking cookies and running around joyfully in a short dress because you just bought a nice new brand of tampons.
Of course once again, most of these things are somewhat related to the energetic principles of femininity and masculinity underneath. But they are caricatures that resemble a more general truth we’ve forgotten about.
Now what are these underlying masculine and feminine energies you have inside you?
The best way to feel what they are is to take a moment and do the following:
1. Turn off your music and all other distractions, put your phone on airplane mode.
2. Sit down and close your eyes. Don’t move.
3. Focus on your breath. Don’t force your in- or out-breaths. Just observe them as they come and go.
4. When a thought pops up in your head, observe it and watch it float away again. It’s okay if there’s a million thoughts. Just don’t engage with them. Only watch them.
5. The same with emotions. If an emotion arises, feel it fully, then let it go.
6. Continue this for a couple of minutes (In fact, doing this 30 minutes a day can totally change your life, but that’s not the point of this article ? )
Now you might be wondering what this experience had to do with finding the masculine and feminine in you.
Remember all those thoughts that flew by? Remember your emotions? The sounds you heard inside and outside your body? That is the feminine energy inside of you. The part that is ever-changing and expanding.
But there was another aspect to you as well, wasn’t there?
The part that sat back, unmoved, and observed all these things. The part of you that was experiencing all those things feminine energies in you. And that part is the masculine energy inside of you. The part that will always be there in stillness, shedding light on the feminine part.
Now how would that play out in human behavior?
We can rephrase the same 2 energies we just mentioned in different ways:
• The feminine loves to dance, the man likes to stand back and watch. (Ever been at any bar ever? ? ) Even in partnered dance you can still see this. The man guides the woman and gives her space to shine. But he usually doesn’t take the spotlight. She is the beauty, he is the witness.
• The feminine is wide, open, flowing, surrounding, letting go, being everywhere at once. The masculine is narrowing down to specifics, penetrating, focusing, deciding, leading and going forward in one direction.
A lot of this ancient knowledge is still embedded in our language with feminine and masculine world. We talk about “mother nature” because she’s surrounding everything. She is everything. She’s as feminine as it gets.
These energies are also where a lot of the “cliches” about men and women came from. Like women being chaotic and forgetful, or men being cold and unemotional. It’s also the source of a lot of our desires.
We talk about “father time” because he’s only going one way, and because the “masculine” time pinpoints specific moments that happened.
Regardless of your gender, this should be enough to give you an idea of how masculine or feminine you are in a given moment:
• When you are dancing to the music and giving in to the moment, you are polarized to your feminine side. When you are listening to it attentively, that’s masculine.
• When you are brainstorming and free-flowing with creative ideas all over the place, you are being feminine. When you look at those ideas, make a concrete plan out of it and take action on it, you are in your masculine.
One of the many positive things feminism has achieved in the past is that women have fought back the societal freedom to build a career. As a side-effect, these women also made it okay for dads to stay at home and raise the kids if they wish to do so. Or even that people can now openly state that they feel like a different gender on the inside. This is all great news. But since our culture has forgotten about the sexual polarity aspect these situation, it also raises some new challenges.
Let’s see some examples about how this plays out in relationships:
Your partner comes home from work and asks “What will we do tonight?”
You don’t know yet. So you just tell her (or him).
“I don’t know? What do you want? What are you in the mood for?”
This sounds like a perfectly reasonable answer. You have no plans yet, so you want to respectful of them and find something you’ll both enjoy doing.
Whatever you’ll do that night, you need to eat first. So she asks you what you want to get for dinner.
So you say “Maybe Chinese? Or if you’re more into Mexican tonight we can take Mexican too? And we still have some leftover spaghetti.”
Whatever you end up eating after 30 minutes of thinking what to pick, it’s the perfect recipe for no dinner table sex afterwards.
The problem here is that you are now both polarized to the feminine side. The side that wants to go with the flow. This kills sexual attraction. Because in this cause one of the 2 of you needs to step up, narrow all the infinite options down to one thing and make a quick decision. If both of you stay in the feminine here, you wont come to a decision and you’ll both be annoyed.
Your partner comes home from work. Once again you’ve both been working all day as well.
This time you didn’t make the mistake of not having someone make decisions. You planned an exciting night for her (or him) and tell her to come with you.
But she’d rather just sit around and watch TV and have you join her.
This doesn’t seem like such a big deal on paper (unless you had dinner reservations). But in reality it’s the same problem:
You’ve both been working all day, which is a very masculine activity (once again, this is not sexist, women can work too, it’s just energetically a masculine activity). And when you come home, you both stayed in that same “masculine” mode.
You want to take him outside on an adventure. Which is a masculine gestures, but requires the other person to trust you and be polarized to the feminine side in that moment. Otherwise they will not be able to let go and feel good about it.
He’s tired and wants to zone out in front of the TV. Which is also a very masculine thing (sit back and watch while the TV dances).
If you want there to be sexual attraction this night, there are 2 options:
• The person who wants to watch TV can let you take them for a ride. And if they can trust you and let go without feeling like they’d rather do something else, sparks will start to fly again.
• You can choose to polarize to a feminine side yourself (yes, even as a man ? ). Let her watch TV and rest while you make her some nice dinner and caress or massage her afterwards. This solves the polarity issues and will increase sexual attraction between you in that moment, adding the chill to the Netflix.
There are many more examples to this:
• When one person starts an emotional fight, throwing your own emotional reactions on the fire on the fire won’t help. This will both put you in your “free-flowing feminine” polarity. Instead, you need to be stay calm and be a masculine “rock” for the person acting out their emotions. Give them the space to live through them. Make them feel like they can still count on your strength. Later on you can still discuss it when you’re both looking for solutions, not emotional release.
• When your partner tells you in bed that they’ll do anything you want them to d, it is no place to try to be a “gentleman” or a “good housewife” and answer “I want to do what you want to do”. They are signaling that in that moment, they feel very feminine. So you need to polarize to the masculine side and bring it out in them, helping them explore the depths of their infinite sexuality. This is the moment to command them to fulfill your fantasies.
• When your partner is making a lot of effort to be beautiful (especially when they don’t do it for you). Or when they treat you in a way that makes you happy, they are having a feminine moment. So be masculine and notice them. Praise them for it. Deeply appreciate the beauty of what they are doing.
The choices you make in these situations are what will make or break the level of sexual attraction in your relationship.
This is not to say of course, that acting differently is wrong. You don’t need to feel sexually attracted all the time. For example: When you are making plans or working out something financial, it can be good to both be masculine. Or when you’re going to an amusement park, why not both be feminine and get lost in the fun?
However, if you feel like there’s been a lack of spark in the bedroom, but the foundation of your relationship is solid, then sexual polarity is probably one of the main reasons for it.
Similarly, if you’re talking to some hottie in a bar and you both clearly like each other but somehow you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere: Check your polarity. There’s a good reason you are either both polarized to the same pole, or way too muddy in the middle.
Lastly, you are in a relationship where one person clearly desires a more feminine role and the other the more masculine, here’s what you two can do to work on maintaining that polarity:
If you’re the feminine one:
• Be more wild and untamed. Allow every side of you to express itself.
• Devote yourself to them in every moment of togetherness
• Open yourself up to your own infinite beauty and capacity for pleasure, whatever that means.
When you lose your shine, self-love and open expression of your emotions, your partner may feel rejected and unattracted. In the end they’ll start to become more selfish and it’ll seem like they don’t appreciate you anymore.
If you’re the more masculine partner:
• Focus on always being present for the other person. No matter what their behavior is like in that moment.
•Make them feel seen, known and understood. Penetrate them in the physical, emotional and psychological sense.
•Give them the gift of guiding them to different aspects of their own beauty, and all kinds of pleasurable experiences. Especially ones that they did not know they would enjoy or had in them.
When you lose your presence and become confused/chaotic/absent. Your more feminine partner will lose trust of you and find it harder to open her body and heart for you. In the end she may close herself off from you emotionally until she’s sure she can trust you again.
Whether you agree with these definitions on a political level or not is really not important. What’s important is that being aware of these things can greatly improve your relationships and dating life.
If I had known these things before I would’ve acted completely differently in many situations that didn’t go exactly as I wanted them too.
For example, more than once was the fact that I lacked a sense of masculinity in the way I dealt with the world and my own life a contributing factor to the decline of a relationship I was in with women who longed to feel feminine.
Long ago, I’ve been on dates where the woman was practically throwing herself at me. Or laying in my bed, showing off her beauty and ready for me to take the lead. But because I didn’t embody these principles fully yet, I failed to show up in the very masculine polarization that she needed in that moment. Instead I thought “let’s just see where this goes”. Which off course killed the attraction after a dae that originally went well.
On the other end of the spectrum, there were nights were my partners came home in a very masculine vibe. And I answered that by trying to “re-gain control” of the situation. Because I wanted to “be the man in the relationship. While in those moments, it was much more appropriate for me to accept her vibe, relax and enjoy the moment with her, whatever experience it was she wanted to have for us.
If you can recognize yourself in any of these situations as a man or woman, just become more aware of the beautiful interplay between these energies in your day-to-day life. And especially become aware of how you are acting in relation to other people’s polarity.
This will not only help you with lovers, but also with friends, strangers and at work.
Good luck ?