Do you always seem to have bad luck when it comes to the people you date?
Well, you’re not alone…
Yesterday I posted the following question in a Facebook group about relationships:
What’s your biggest challenge when it comes to building & maintaining healthy relationships/friendships?
Here are some of the answers I got from people:
- “People not being open and honest.”
- “Drama… people full of drama. If I confide in you, do not repeat it. Can’t be that hard. For some though, I wonder.”
- “Hook up culture.”
- “It’s a special kind of hell for relationship type people in a hook-up world.”
- “People expecting others to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.”
Do any of those things sound familiar to you?
Then read on. Because I’m about to share you a little secret that will help you get rid of these issues in your life. I know that sounds like a bold statement. But trust me. Everyone I know who uses it, doesn’t have these problems anymore…
How can it be that there’s one solution for all these different issues?
Well, let’s have a look at that list again… They are all symptoms of the same underlying problem.
What do you think that problem is?
All men are pigs. And all women are lying whores.
I’m kidding ? Here’s the real answer:
They all seem to come from something outside of you. Something that you have no control over. Now how do we fix this?
Deflecting the Burden vs. Carrying It
If you continue to keep running into the same problems with all the men or women you meet, it’s safe to say there’s a pattern there.
And whenever there is a clear negative pattern in your social life/love life, there are 3 ways of interpreting it:
- People keep treating me in a way that I don’t like. Which means I must be doing something that promotes this behavior from others towards me. What can I do different?
- People keep treating me in a way that I don’t like. Which means I must be doing something that leads me to meeting/attracting the wrong people. How can I change my strategy?
- People keep treating me in a way that I don’t like. Which means that all people suck and I’m the only one left with decent values any more. Life’s a bitch. Can’t do anything about it.
Now if you look at those 3 conclusions to come to, I think we can all agree that the third one is least likely to be the case.
Whenever it seems like 7 billion people have some sort of issue but you don’t, that’s a clear indicator that either you are the one with the issue and they are sane… Or that you have the same issue as them but don’t realize it.
The chance that you’re the one rare exception to this rule is one in 7 billion. I wouldn’t bet my money on it ?
Still, if you look at the list from the start of this post…Or talk to anyone you meet with relationship issues, it seems like most people feel that way about their situation.
• Other people are not being open and honest to ME. (But I am always honest)
•Other people are full of drama. It’s easy for me to not start drama, but there’s always some other asshole who starts it.
•Other people can’t be trusted. They’re never transparent. They’re hypocrites.
•Everyone else in the world is only interested in hooking up. And here I am, hoping for true love…
Do you start to see what’s going on here? In every single case, the problem is placed outside yourself, which means you’re screwed and can’t do anything about it.
Now why would your brain do that?
Because when you look at your life this way, you don’t have to carry the heavy burden of taking responsibility for your relationships.
But… It comes at a price.
Because without accepting that responsibility, you turn yourself into a helpless victim of circumstance. Always going through life, running into the same problems with people over and over again, while all you want is to just feel happy and be loved unconditionally for once….
Wouldn’t it be much better if you could find a way to just get rid of that problem all together?
Empowering Vs. Imprisoning Problems
To take back control of your love life, the first thing you need to do is have a look at the problems you have that leave you stuck…
Then seriously question the assumptions those “problems” are based on…. I know they can feel like the absolute truth. But for a moment, please just trust me and believe that they are just your perspective.
By far the easiest way to debunk your own beliefs about why you have these problems in your love life, is by honestly asking yourself: Does everyone else in the world has this problem too?
Because if it’s true that all people are dishonest and can’t be trusted. Or that kids these days are only interested in hooking up anymore. Then that’s a problem everyone has to deal with, right?
So ask yourself:
Do I know people who don’t have drama in their relationships?
Is it true that people are only interesting in hooking up in this world?
Does everyone I know have this problem? Or do I know many, many people who are in relationships or looking for them?
Is it really a hook up world? Or does it invest millions in movies about finding true love… Just because that’s what the people find most beautiful?
Out of the 7 billion people in this world, how many are in relationships vs how many sleep with a different person every night?
If it were true that most people are looking for love… Then what is it about me that makes them want to just hook up with me and nothing more?
Whatever it is about “people” or “the world”, keep questioning yourself until you reach a point where you realize that just maybe , it’s not 100% true.
In case you still don’t find ANYTHING to prove to yourself that the believe you have about people is not true, I can tell you this…
I don’t have any of these problems… All the people I’ve been involved with in the past 7 years were honest. They could all be trusted. There was no drama whatsoever. Not even when breaking up. And I am not the only person I know whose life is completely devoid of these problems… The majority of my best friends (men and women) don’t have this in their lives.
How is that possible?
Because they do things differently..
They never look at their relationships as if the problem is with “other people”, “the other sex” or even “their partner”. Because that would rob them of the power to do something about it.
Instead, when they feel there’s a problem or a challenge in their dating life or relationship, they phrase it in a way that actually allows them to work on it. And how do you do that? By focusing on what YOU can do better.
So instead of saying “Why are all men lying assholes?” they ask themselves things like:
• How can I learn to make myself more vulnerable?
• How can I learn to have more uncomfortable conversations?
Problems like these are the only true empowering ones… Instead of blaming the outside world, they focus what can you change about yourself. So that you no longer keep attracting the same people and situations that bother you?
Because the answer to that question is the only thing that can fix it. Having a cynical view on people (or love itself) will only lead to more misery and loneliness.
And as simple as it sounds, that’s the secret to why these people don’t have the same issues in their relationships.
If you keep doing the same things yourself, you’ll keep getting the same results as well.
You can’t expect your life to go any differently if you’re the one that never changes
Once you can accept that, stop looking for “flaws” in everyone else’s behavior. And start working on yourself instead… suddenly the world becomes an entirely different place to live in and love in ?
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